I have turned to Lovingkindness meditation when in conflict with someone many times over the past decade. I have used this practice when struggling with colleagues as well as difficulties with family members. This practice even supported me through a divorce, what seems like a lifetime ago.
I come back to the practice again and again, not because it changes the other person but because it changes me. Metta softens my own heart and dissolves the barriers that hurt and anger can create to connection. Metta doesn’t change actions that have been done. Metta does not always mean that a relationship will continue. For me, Metta is a bridge. When I hold someone in the light of that loving awareness, I understand them more easily. At the very least, I am reminded of our shared humanity. When my heart feels strong and open, I can often see the pain they are carrying that lead to the pain they caused me.
I want to be clear. The person you are freeing here is you. A heart that understands, hurts less. The deepest hurts of my life have been eased by this practice more than I can share. Woking with the deepest hurts, is not however where you begin. You cannot force yourself to be ready to work with someone who has really harmed you. Start slowly and gently. Not only will forcing the issue not work, but it is also unkind (not exactly what we are going for in lovingkindness practice!) My teacher says, start where the door is open. Start where the hurt is small.
If I am working with someone and I encounter a lot of resistance but I feel drawn to keep working with this person, I will often imagine them as a small child (just as we do with ourselves in practice if we are having trouble making the connection). This helps me so much as I try to sense the basic goodness in someone, the essential nature beyond the causes and conditions that lead us to where we are.
Slowly, gently, with patience and self compassion- that is how we begin to expand the field of our loving awareness to include those who are difficult for us. This is Nobel work. An act of kindness to ourselves. A service to the world.
Please enjoy this short, guided exploration as a place to begin
Wholeheartedly,
Kim